On the issue of raising children, I believe in tough love. But there’s more to that concept than “be tough, but for loving reasons”. The way I see it, the toughness and the love have discrete functions and belong in different domains.
I say, be tough on your child when prescribing the rules of the real world …
- No cookies today. And no TV before your chores – we must work for the comforts in life.
- You have to let that hedgehog out of the shoebox. I know you think you’re protecting it, but it’s much better off in the outdoors.
- You were wrong to hit your brother. Violence is unacceptable, regardless of what he said to you. I’m taking away your iPad over the weekend so that you’ll learn your lesson.
… but be boundlessly loving when exploring the emotional world, only a moment later.
- I know, I love cookies too. Let’s both try and hold out until Saturday.
- But how sweet you are, to care for an animal. I’m so sorry we have to say goodbye to her. I understand, more than you know, how scary it is to worry about someone small.
- I get why you were upset with him, though. Those words would have hurt me too. And don’t worry, we’ll think of fun things to do this weekend without the iPad.
We want to toughen our kids up, to prepare and equip them for the tough, real world. In part, we accomplish this through rules and boundaries that are similarly tough. But the other, equally important part is to validate children’s feelings through love. Precisely because the real world is so tough, the emotional world needs to be utterly safe. Untouchable.
Love can be given in tandem with toughness. You can scold your child when they do something wrong, then console them immediately if the scold makes them cry. You can deny an unviable request, then tell the child that it was perfectly okay to make it. That child will grow up truly strong, for they’ll be schooled in harshness, but also an advocate of their own sensitivity. They’ll dare to pursue happiness, and never resent themselves for being hurt by something.
That last part might be the most vital to your child’s future. Human beings can survive even the most devastating sorrow, so long as they feel, convincingly to themselves, that their hurt is true and valid.